Taking the blue out of “blue state”
My friends, there’s a reason why Connecticut is in such a financial quagmire. Actually, there are many, many reasons. One of them – the one most near and dear to my liver – is that Connecticut is a blue state.
No, not that kind of the blue state. Well, yes, that kind of blue state too, but the other kind is what I was referring to. The puritanical blue state where a hard workin’ Wall Street executive can’t spend his $4000/day salary on God’s nectar on a Sunday.
Can you imagine the revenue it would bring? I can. The coffers, my friend, would be overflowing with wine.
So with that in mind, my friends, I am proposing two new laws:
1. The sale of alcohol shall be legal every day of the week, including Sundays. Want to roll into the local liquor store to replenish that jug of vodka you destroyed last night? Go for it. Want to show up at the local diner with a 40 in your hand? You betcha! Want to provide the wine at Sunday services? You know where you can get it!
2. After extensive consultation with top scientists at NASA, I am proposing the creation of a new day: Caturday. This day will be inserted between Wednesday and Thursday and will serve not only to keep local businesses open an extra day, but also provide an extra day for liquor and lottery sales.
3. I am also proposing a new 3/3 rule: All happy hours shall offer drinks for $3, starting at 3pm. Every day.
4. Every Caturday, the State will unofficially adopt the name “Connecticat”. In fact, it will be a feliney to not refer to the state with that name on that day.
Drink up, my friends. It makes dealing with the mess in the State easier.
